For the better!!! It has been almost a year since I wrote my last post and so much has happened. Our little family has gone through some magnificent changes, which is why I have decided to once again change up my blogging. I am in a different place than I was a year ago, and so, I believe my story-telling needs to head in a different direction.
I don't promise to be consistent with my blogging. But I do promise to try to update it at least once a week. Once I have all the details worked out, I will let y'all know where to find my new haven.
Be awesome until then!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Monday, October 17, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
(188) 2 months combined...
Buglet,
Well mommy has been a slacker and missed your 7 month and 8 month update, so here is both in one.
You are amazing. I am in awe at how much you have grown these last months. You have been in daycare for over a month now and have adjusted really well. I, on the other hand, still have a little more adjusting to do... especially in the mornings when I hear you cry. But Ms. Paula assures me that the crying very short lived. My favorite part of everyday is picking you up. You get so excited when you see me. I love how you flap your arms like a bird and squeal. Makes. My. Heart. Melt. You have learned to roll completely and can army crawl. Both of which you do SUPER fast so we have to be careful where we leave you. You have mastered the sippy cup... that only took a week really thanks to Ms. Paula. Your two bottoms teefs have come in and are the cutest things ever. I just thought your toothless smile was cute. However, I think you are teething more, but I just can't figure out where they are. What I do know is that you produce copious amounts of drool. Just recently, you have been able to sit up on your own. You get so tickled when you do it. Of course, I am sure it helps when me and daddy cheer you on. You love banging things together and making noises... music is one of your favorite things. You are also getting stronger on your legs. You love to stand at your music table, the coffee table, and anything that is your height. You can even take a few step assisted. Walking, here we come.
I look forward to each and everyday, knowing that I will get to witness something new.
My cup runneth over, Lauren. You are the most wonderful gift I have ever received.
8 months...
7 months...
Well mommy has been a slacker and missed your 7 month and 8 month update, so here is both in one.
You are amazing. I am in awe at how much you have grown these last months. You have been in daycare for over a month now and have adjusted really well. I, on the other hand, still have a little more adjusting to do... especially in the mornings when I hear you cry. But Ms. Paula assures me that the crying very short lived. My favorite part of everyday is picking you up. You get so excited when you see me. I love how you flap your arms like a bird and squeal. Makes. My. Heart. Melt. You have learned to roll completely and can army crawl. Both of which you do SUPER fast so we have to be careful where we leave you. You have mastered the sippy cup... that only took a week really thanks to Ms. Paula. Your two bottoms teefs have come in and are the cutest things ever. I just thought your toothless smile was cute. However, I think you are teething more, but I just can't figure out where they are. What I do know is that you produce copious amounts of drool. Just recently, you have been able to sit up on your own. You get so tickled when you do it. Of course, I am sure it helps when me and daddy cheer you on. You love banging things together and making noises... music is one of your favorite things. You are also getting stronger on your legs. You love to stand at your music table, the coffee table, and anything that is your height. You can even take a few step assisted. Walking, here we come.
I look forward to each and everyday, knowing that I will get to witness something new.
My cup runneth over, Lauren. You are the most wonderful gift I have ever received.
8 months...
7 months...
Thursday, September 1, 2011
(187) Bittersweet Betrayal...
Today is the first day I will not be pumping or breastfeeding in 8 months. For the last few months, I have been struggling with an ever decreasing milk supply from going back to work, daycare, lack of breast feeding opportunities, pumping, and the depression that has come with it. As I have watched the supply in the freezer slowly dwindle and the amount that I produce, I have experienced so many emotions. I knew this day was coming. I just didn't want it to.
When I first realized that my supply was diminishing, I made the command decision to start mixing Lauren's cereal with formula to save the milk that we had in the freezer for feedings. I can remember the first time I did that. I honestly thought I was poisoning my child. Picture, if you will, baby in highchair, eating her cereal, with a big smile on her face and wanting more, and mommy crying while feeding said baby. It bothered her NONE. Zip. Zilch. Nada. She ate like it was just another day. I, on the other hand, was a slight nutcase. But as I watched her gobble down her slop with vigor and enthusiasm, I knew that she would be fine.
A few weeks after that, I made another command decision to start mixing her breastmilk with formula. I honestly cringed when I had to do this. Mixing it in her cereal was one thing, but putting it in a bottle was completely different. I had these grand notions that I would breast feed her until she was a year and then maybe more. I have come to find out that this can only be done if you are a "cow" or you stay home. It is not feasible when you got back to work, pump instead of BF, and travel a few times away from home.
Can someone send me that memo, which I apparently did not receive?
So here we were again. I started off slow and did a mixture of 1 ounce of F to 4 ounces of BM. Baby likey. I then increased to 2 F: 3 BM. Baby still likey. No ill effects. Tooting increased. As did the quality of her lady burps. Go team! I am now at half and half or 3:2. Still good to go. No rejection. Happy baby. Guilty mommy.
Yes. Guilty mommy. Lost mommy. Rejected mommy.
While I can't fully sympathize with the woman who was not able to breastfeed at all, I do understand that feeling of rejection and betrayal. My body refused to keep supplying my baby with "the best nutrition", even when I did everything I could within my powers to keep that supply going. I breastfed when I could. I pumped. I ate oatmeal. I took supplements. I drank my water. My body still gave out. At least that is what my mind tells me.
Another loss for this mommy.
It's a feeling of losing a part of me... of losing that connection with my daughter. Somewhere in there, I became terrified that if I stopped breast feeding and pumping, the connection with Lauren would be lost and anybody could claim her as their own. As in, I became terrified that someone was waiting for me to stop so they could steal her away. (Brief note: Since the day she was born, I have never felt that Lauren is truly mine. I have been waiting for that other shoe to drop and for her to "disappear". Or for her to make a "mommy connection" with someone else. If you have questions about that, ask me.) Absurd, I know. But this was a VERY REAL feeling I had. It apparently stems from the loss of our first daughter. This grief, if you will, just compounded the depression I was feeling.
After talking to my mom, my husband, and a dear friend, I knew that it would be best to just wean/stop pumping completely. My depression was getting worse every time I pumped and didn't produce the same as hours before. It was not allowing me to be the best mommy and wife I could be. It consumed me. It was slowly killing my joy. But Lauren and I had made it to the recommended 6 months for nutrition and she was now learning about "food". She was/is thriving. It was time to think about me for a little while.
So here we are today. No more pumping. No more breast feeding. A milk supply slowly diminishing.
I am both happy and sad. Happy that I am "free" to give my full soul to my daughter, without the guilt or shame. Sad that I couldn't follow through with a promise I had secretly made her and me.
But as I feed her her bottle at night, then gently rock her to sleep, I know we are going to be ok.
When I first realized that my supply was diminishing, I made the command decision to start mixing Lauren's cereal with formula to save the milk that we had in the freezer for feedings. I can remember the first time I did that. I honestly thought I was poisoning my child. Picture, if you will, baby in highchair, eating her cereal, with a big smile on her face and wanting more, and mommy crying while feeding said baby. It bothered her NONE. Zip. Zilch. Nada. She ate like it was just another day. I, on the other hand, was a slight nutcase. But as I watched her gobble down her slop with vigor and enthusiasm, I knew that she would be fine.
A few weeks after that, I made another command decision to start mixing her breastmilk with formula. I honestly cringed when I had to do this. Mixing it in her cereal was one thing, but putting it in a bottle was completely different. I had these grand notions that I would breast feed her until she was a year and then maybe more. I have come to find out that this can only be done if you are a "cow" or you stay home. It is not feasible when you got back to work, pump instead of BF, and travel a few times away from home.
Can someone send me that memo, which I apparently did not receive?
So here we were again. I started off slow and did a mixture of 1 ounce of F to 4 ounces of BM. Baby likey. I then increased to 2 F: 3 BM. Baby still likey. No ill effects. Tooting increased. As did the quality of her lady burps. Go team! I am now at half and half or 3:2. Still good to go. No rejection. Happy baby. Guilty mommy.
Yes. Guilty mommy. Lost mommy. Rejected mommy.
While I can't fully sympathize with the woman who was not able to breastfeed at all, I do understand that feeling of rejection and betrayal. My body refused to keep supplying my baby with "the best nutrition", even when I did everything I could within my powers to keep that supply going. I breastfed when I could. I pumped. I ate oatmeal. I took supplements. I drank my water. My body still gave out. At least that is what my mind tells me.
Another loss for this mommy.
It's a feeling of losing a part of me... of losing that connection with my daughter. Somewhere in there, I became terrified that if I stopped breast feeding and pumping, the connection with Lauren would be lost and anybody could claim her as their own. As in, I became terrified that someone was waiting for me to stop so they could steal her away. (Brief note: Since the day she was born, I have never felt that Lauren is truly mine. I have been waiting for that other shoe to drop and for her to "disappear". Or for her to make a "mommy connection" with someone else. If you have questions about that, ask me.) Absurd, I know. But this was a VERY REAL feeling I had. It apparently stems from the loss of our first daughter. This grief, if you will, just compounded the depression I was feeling.
After talking to my mom, my husband, and a dear friend, I knew that it would be best to just wean/stop pumping completely. My depression was getting worse every time I pumped and didn't produce the same as hours before. It was not allowing me to be the best mommy and wife I could be. It consumed me. It was slowly killing my joy. But Lauren and I had made it to the recommended 6 months for nutrition and she was now learning about "food". She was/is thriving. It was time to think about me for a little while.
So here we are today. No more pumping. No more breast feeding. A milk supply slowly diminishing.
I am both happy and sad. Happy that I am "free" to give my full soul to my daughter, without the guilt or shame. Sad that I couldn't follow through with a promise I had secretly made her and me.
But as I feed her her bottle at night, then gently rock her to sleep, I know we are going to be ok.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
(186) A Much Needed Update...
As I type this, I realize that a whole month has progressed since my last entry. And even that was just some pictures with very few words. What can I say? Life doesn't slow down for a blog. Nor does it slow down for bills, home maintenance, or sex.
Buuut, I digress.
In all honesty, my life has been so enriched these last months that I don't want to slow down enough to update my blog. I am afraid I might miss something, with my head down and fingers moving. Don't get me wrong. I want to share my life's updates with you. I just wish I could duplicate myself. Ahh... to dream.
So without any further ado, here is The McNeil Family Update.
1.) We now have another mouth to feed. LOL!! Yep. My step-daughter, Kloey, lives with us. The talk was started earlier this year and the decision was made. She officially moved down in June. I am not going to lie. Talking about it is COMPLETELY different than actually going through with it. The move was an adjustment for everyone. Although at the time, I wanted everyone to believe it was an injustice to me, the way it all played out. Yeah, boo hoo, Meredith. Everything is hunky-dorey now. K started 6th grade on Monday and is so far adjusting to that well. She made several new friends the very first day and even had a lunch buddy. However, I believe the 6:30am wake up is getting old... fast.
2.) Buglet is 7.5 months, almost 8 months. She is thriving in daycare. She has really grown by leaps and bounds. Being able to play with other kiddos around her age and watch what the "big" kids do, has been one of the greatest teaching aids. She has learned to use her sippy cup like a pro. Although as times, it is used as teether and a musical instrument... not to mention a deadly weapon. Aaannnnddd, speaking of deadly weapons, Buglet has two teeth coming in. The bottoms. At the same time. Pointy bastards. Those things could cut through a diamond. Well, not really, but she tried. Seriously. She took hold of my ring finger and proceeded to knaw on my engagement band. Thankfully the diamonds are still all there. No sparkly poop. Yet. Another big girl thing... she graduated to a convertable car seat. Poor Buglet was getting scrunched in her carrier so I made the executive decision to upgrade. Not to mention that at 20+ lbs, the carrier with said baby is a bit difficult to manuever. I can tell you that we are all happier campers for it.
3.) No change with the cats. Tigger still stays in our bedroom most of the time... has been since the baby came home. Callie still inserts herself wherever she feels she is needed... which is everywhere.
4.) Brendon got back from a two week assignment a week ago. He went from fighting fires to getting the 6th grader prepared for a new school year at new school in one weekend. Since the man won't share his feelings, it is hard to tell how he is doing. He seems to be adjusting well and taking everything in stride. I think one of his biggest concerns right now is getting the yard fixed. The freakin' drought has killed all of our plants basically. Thankfully the yard is hanging in there. But the dead plants and all of the strange grass that has taken over must go. The other concern is the duct work that leads to Buglet's room. Long story short... it sucks. Really. At least, that is the opposite of blows... and it does not do that. So Brendon is going to try to fix it and re-route some of the existing ductwork so we can get some decent air flow into her room. Because as of this moment, the spare bathroom gets more air than Buglet's room. With the vent shut. Ponder that one for awhile.
5.) As for me, well, I have discovered something absolutely magical. Reading. Oh, how I missed reading. Yep. I have actually finished a book I started during maternity leave, and I am now reading a second book. GASP! What is the world coming to? So I have now gathered all the books I bought with the intention of reading and I will slowly get through them all. Don't ask how many I have. I lost count after 10. On the baby front, I have decided it's time to wean her (several reasons for this decision). Well, I decided it was time a few weeks back and I am now in the processing of slowly making it happen. It is not an easy thing for this momma. The sense of loss is just incredible. I feel like that is the only connection I have with her. It's as if, once I have weaned her completely, someone can just take her away. I know that is not the case. I am her momma... always will be. We will just have to find other ways to get that closeness back. As for everything else, I am slowly adjusting to being a full-time parent to my step-daughter. I honestly thought it was going to be a lot harder than it actually is. I think it helps to know that we will have her longer than a weekend or a month. There is more consistency now, which helps everyone involved. Also, I am hoping to get back to my crafting now that Brendon is back home and we have another set of hands to entertain the baby. I have so many projects I want to complete. Maybe I will make one night a week my craft night to get things done. Yeah. That sounds like a great idea. Maybe I will start with tonight. And I could even include the kid. I think she would enjoy that. ;)
What do ya think?
That in a nutshell is where we are. For the most part. Without getting into any massive detail.
PS I leave you with a bit of cuteness.
Buuut, I digress.
In all honesty, my life has been so enriched these last months that I don't want to slow down enough to update my blog. I am afraid I might miss something, with my head down and fingers moving. Don't get me wrong. I want to share my life's updates with you. I just wish I could duplicate myself. Ahh... to dream.
So without any further ado, here is The McNeil Family Update.
1.) We now have another mouth to feed. LOL!! Yep. My step-daughter, Kloey, lives with us. The talk was started earlier this year and the decision was made. She officially moved down in June. I am not going to lie. Talking about it is COMPLETELY different than actually going through with it. The move was an adjustment for everyone. Although at the time, I wanted everyone to believe it was an injustice to me, the way it all played out. Yeah, boo hoo, Meredith. Everything is hunky-dorey now. K started 6th grade on Monday and is so far adjusting to that well. She made several new friends the very first day and even had a lunch buddy. However, I believe the 6:30am wake up is getting old... fast.
2.) Buglet is 7.5 months, almost 8 months. She is thriving in daycare. She has really grown by leaps and bounds. Being able to play with other kiddos around her age and watch what the "big" kids do, has been one of the greatest teaching aids. She has learned to use her sippy cup like a pro. Although as times, it is used as teether and a musical instrument... not to mention a deadly weapon. Aaannnnddd, speaking of deadly weapons, Buglet has two teeth coming in. The bottoms. At the same time. Pointy bastards. Those things could cut through a diamond. Well, not really, but she tried. Seriously. She took hold of my ring finger and proceeded to knaw on my engagement band. Thankfully the diamonds are still all there. No sparkly poop. Yet. Another big girl thing... she graduated to a convertable car seat. Poor Buglet was getting scrunched in her carrier so I made the executive decision to upgrade. Not to mention that at 20+ lbs, the carrier with said baby is a bit difficult to manuever. I can tell you that we are all happier campers for it.
3.) No change with the cats. Tigger still stays in our bedroom most of the time... has been since the baby came home. Callie still inserts herself wherever she feels she is needed... which is everywhere.
4.) Brendon got back from a two week assignment a week ago. He went from fighting fires to getting the 6th grader prepared for a new school year at new school in one weekend. Since the man won't share his feelings, it is hard to tell how he is doing. He seems to be adjusting well and taking everything in stride. I think one of his biggest concerns right now is getting the yard fixed. The freakin' drought has killed all of our plants basically. Thankfully the yard is hanging in there. But the dead plants and all of the strange grass that has taken over must go. The other concern is the duct work that leads to Buglet's room. Long story short... it sucks. Really. At least, that is the opposite of blows... and it does not do that. So Brendon is going to try to fix it and re-route some of the existing ductwork so we can get some decent air flow into her room. Because as of this moment, the spare bathroom gets more air than Buglet's room. With the vent shut. Ponder that one for awhile.
5.) As for me, well, I have discovered something absolutely magical. Reading. Oh, how I missed reading. Yep. I have actually finished a book I started during maternity leave, and I am now reading a second book. GASP! What is the world coming to? So I have now gathered all the books I bought with the intention of reading and I will slowly get through them all. Don't ask how many I have. I lost count after 10. On the baby front, I have decided it's time to wean her (several reasons for this decision). Well, I decided it was time a few weeks back and I am now in the processing of slowly making it happen. It is not an easy thing for this momma. The sense of loss is just incredible. I feel like that is the only connection I have with her. It's as if, once I have weaned her completely, someone can just take her away. I know that is not the case. I am her momma... always will be. We will just have to find other ways to get that closeness back. As for everything else, I am slowly adjusting to being a full-time parent to my step-daughter. I honestly thought it was going to be a lot harder than it actually is. I think it helps to know that we will have her longer than a weekend or a month. There is more consistency now, which helps everyone involved. Also, I am hoping to get back to my crafting now that Brendon is back home and we have another set of hands to entertain the baby. I have so many projects I want to complete. Maybe I will make one night a week my craft night to get things done. Yeah. That sounds like a great idea. Maybe I will start with tonight. And I could even include the kid. I think she would enjoy that. ;)
What do ya think?
That in a nutshell is where we are. For the most part. Without getting into any massive detail.
PS I leave you with a bit of cuteness.
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